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Portadown News: The Best Bits
Newton Emerson



Newton Emerson A comic genius, behind the fantastic Portadown News paper, which hits at everyone who needs hitting in the small and silly world of Norn Iron.And he also does columns for many, many papers. Including the Irish Times.
source - http://www.hillan.org/ejh/blog/index.php?p=1690

Clever, witty, outrageous, irreverent and a truer insight into Northern Ireland than some of our public figures would want.
Lindy McDowell, Belfast Telegraph

The Portadown News is the most scurrilous, offensive publication which I find absolutely necessary to read every week.
Mark Devenport, BBC Northern Ireland Political Editor

As a former resident of Craigavon who is now a "local" resident of London im now finally in a position to show my friends here "see, i wasn't making it all up". Such clever writing,hysterically funny and depressingly accurate. The usual post xmas flight back had me on the receiving end of many filthy looks from fellow passengers as I roared with laughter until i dripped snot. Better than theonion.com in my opinion and i hope it sells bucket loads. Because im dying for a second volume. Noel norniron from London United Kingdom
buy @ http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0717137872/qid=1112181146/026-9796385-3030062

The Portadown News has been passed by the Equality Commission, verified by the Decommissioning Commission, overlooked by the Oversight Commissioner, paraded before the Parades Commission, monitored internationally by the International Monitoring Commission, read out by a parole officer to the Loyalist Commission, registered (we think) with the Electoral Commission, described as 'Wrong' by the Human Rights Commission, reported to the Fair Employment Commission, investigated by the Policing Ombudsman, split into four sections by British Telecom, stitched back together again by Special Branch, coloured in by the Arts Council, discussed at some length by the Bloody Sunday Inquiry, translated into Cantonese by the Ulster-Scots Agency, printed by a company in no way connected to the Northern Ireland Tourist Board, delivered by Translink (except Sundays), distributed by Northern Ireland Electricity with a three-day interruption over Christmas, buried in County Monaghan by Sinn Féin, dug up again and again and again by the Pat Finucane Centre, sold off secretly by the Water Service, placed on a coffee table by the Women's Coalition and thrown away at the last minute by Jeffrey Donaldson.Your statutory rights are not affected.
source - http://www.gillmacmillan.ie/Ecom/Library3.nsf/0/937F45F3F8FB393480256E940052611E?OpenDocument

Lurgan still worse than Portadown - official
Portadown News
9th March 2001
by our Lurgan correspondent, Sam 'Spade' McGrath
Once again Portadown has beaten Lurgan in the 'quality of life' index, published yesterday by the Northern Ireland Social Trends Survey. Lurgan was officially ranked 'Worst town in Northern Ireland', while Portadown retained its coveted title of 'Worst town in Northern Ireland (excluding Lurgan)'.Following a series of extensive interviews, questionnaires and RUC undercover operations, Lurgan people are revealed to be consistently uglier, nastier, less intelligent and more inbred than their Portadown counterparts, according to the authoritative report.However, Social Trends Statistician Orla Harrigan warned Portadown people against complacency, as she discussed the results with our reporter yesterday."While Portadown continues to score well in important categories like 'Litter on motorway exit' and 'Stabbings in town park'," said Ms Harrigan, "minor categories such 'Manky flags' and 'Mis-spelt Loyalist graffiti' need to be urgently addressed."Other categories in which Portadown scored convincingly over Lurgan included 'Closeness of railway station to town centre', 'Distance of Brownlow from town centre', 'Dirtiness of children' and 'Overall smell'.

Yer heid's awae
Portadown News
14 Feb 05
by our Ulster - Scots correspondent Rabbie Burns-Report
Former Ulster Scots boss Lord Laird was forced to travel everywhere by taxi due to security concerns, he has revealed."Clearly it would not have been safe for me to use the train, surrounded by dozens of other potentially hostile first-class passengers; or the bus, where my kilt might have attracted the unwanted attention of little old ladies; or my own car, with its easily-identifiable "W4NK3R" registration plates," said his lairdship yesterday."That left me with no choice but to phone up complete strangers working for loyalist paramilitiries and give them directions to my house.

Updated in the Mirror on Fridays and the web on Mondays

source - http://www.portadownnews.com/